Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Still.

{lyrics from Still by Gerrit Hofsink}
I am eating chocolate pudding tonight.  With chocolate chips sprinkled on top (a trick I learned from my dad).  I am what you would call an emotional eater and this past week has been... well... emotional.

Last week we met with a nice lady from the local monument shop to finally order Michael's headstone.  We put it off at first because it was soon to be winter and we had other medical expenses to pay.  After that we kept putting it off and putting it off until finally this last week we decided it was time that we got it ordered.  It was a last minute decision which meant I wasn't completely prepared for it or the emotions that would resurface because of it.

We browsed the different stone sizes, colors, borders, and pictures and had everything selected after just fifteen short minutes of being there.  They were able to incorporate the picture I was hoping we could have on his headstone, which made us so happy.  It is one of my favorite pictures and is so perfect for our sweet Michael.

Tiny Man had accompanied us (we left Little Guy with some friends at the church for a play date) and each time I looked at him I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and love.  Along with those feelings I also felt a pang of emptiness.  I could feel that hole in my heart once again.  The hole that would always be there and will never be filled.  The hole that appeared the day the nurse confirmed our son no longer had a heartbeat.

It wasn't until I got in the car to go pick up Little Guy when the tears hit.  It didn't help that the song "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry came on the radio at that very moment.  I cried the whole way to the church.  I stayed out in the parking lot wiping the tears away and practicing my smiley face before going in to pick him up.  The poor kid has seen me cry so many times before over his baby brother Michael and I didn't want him to see me crying once again.  He has such a tender heart and was so excited that we were going to be picking out a headstone.  Before I left he suggested that we should get him a yellow one if they have one.  It's amazing how much he comprehends about his baby brother.

We were able to take some yellow mums to Michael's gravesite on Memorial Day.  We brought yellow ones last year as well and I think we may just have to make it a tradition.  Yellow is such happy color for a little boy.  It was sad not seeing a marker there and it made me grateful we were finally going to have a headstone marking his special little spot in the world.

This evening I received the sketch for Michael's headstone.  It is going to be beautiful and I am anxious to get it placed.  I made a mistake by going back and reading previous posts I had written during the time we lost him.  This mistake is what led me to the chocolate pudding tonight.  Reading those posts only reminded me of the utter and complete pain we went though during that time.  It is a pain that can't ever be forgotten.  I still miss him.  I still wonder what he would be like if he were here with us now.  My heart still breaks each time I hear of someone who lost their baby, knowing full well that they will carry that greif with them for the rest of their lives.  However, after reading those posts I was also able to reflect on how much we were and have been blessed because of Michael.  God is so good and he is there with us every step of the way.

I am so grateful for my boys, all three of them, and the lessons they have taught and continue to teach me each and every day.

15 comments:

  1. oh my heart hurts for you. i can only imagine the pain. who knew that motherhood could bring such joy and sorrow! i grew up above a funeral home (in blackfoot) and even still, death is so hard for me to deal with. maybe because i've watched so many friends and family grieve first-hand. i know that grief doesn't end -- ever. even with the knowledge of the gospel, its just too hard saying goodbye to a loved one. i haven't had to bury a child but even thinking of it makes tears well up in my eyes.
    i don't know if i've said too much, but please just know i'm so incredibly sorry you have to endure this pain. :(

    i'm an emotional eater, too. but for me it's chips and brownies.

    i'm going to listen to that song now.

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  2. thinking of you, praying for you. i know it won't get any easier, but you seem to know where to turn for peace. i'm so happy the stone will tell the world a bit about your special boy.

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  3. We think about you and pray for your family often, Hilary. I'm so happy that you were able to order the stone and can't wait to see what you've chosen. Wishing you peace and comfort. Lots of love from the Utah Craners. xo.

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  4. It is amazing how emotions can hit us at times when we are least prepared. I get the emotional eating I think we're all guilty of it from time to time. You'll be in my prayers.

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  5. Oh Hil, I am thinking of you. What a beautiful post, I agree with you, yellow is such a pretty color for a boy, just perfect for baby Michael.
    Kathia-Pink Little Cake
    ( I can comment the old fashion way)

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  6. can't seem to find words to appropriately express my emotions reading this post. so, i'm just going to send you a big fat hug from st. george and let you know that i pray for you. :)

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  7. Thinking of you! My heart just hurts when I read about your little Michael. I can't even imagine what the pain must be like for you. Hugs!

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  8. It must be one of those weeks. My recent post sounds a lot like yours. Just remembering the pain. The complete pain that just hurts your heart. I am 8 weeks pregnant now they did the first ultrasound and everything looks good so far. But it brought so many emotions back there is something about losing your baby that even when you have more cannot replace that hole in your heart. Even with time the pain can be brought back in an instant with any reminder. I know Michael and Emma are friends I hope so. Thank you for your honesty in your posts it helps me know I am not crazy for things being hard. Love you! Michelle

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  9. I've tried typing out a comment several times now, but each time I erase it, feeling like nothing sounds quite right. Just know that since reading Michael's story all those months ago, I have been touched by your strength and your faith. You are a beautiful example to me, Hilary even if we don't "really" know each other.

    Love and hugs to you. Oh, and go ahead throw a few more chocolate chips on that pudding...

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  10. I love the yellow mums, the song lyrics and especially your beautiful words about baby Michael.

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  11. What a sweet post, so honest and full of love! I too have lost a child, a little girl at 21 weeks. She lived 2 hours and has changed me and each member of our family forever. Thanks for sharing. Came from MMB.

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  12. Oh Hil... we are a lot alike. I put off getting the headstone until April and I realized that his second birthday was coming up and I didn't want the two year mark to hit and still no headstone. So we went and ordered ours too and it should be in sometime this month. No fun, but I look forward to seeing it and it being done. I know how you feel... there is a hole that will never be filled. There will always be a hole right in the middle of our family and in my heart. I'm glad that you were able to get what you wanted and to have it ordered. Such a relief! Thanks for sharing your experiences and your feelings.

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  13. I just found you through MMB's post of the week and I wanted you to know I think you are an amazing, strong and beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing you're heart.

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  14. So sweet - you are so strong and thank you for sharing. You will see your lil one again, just remember that and stay strong. Yellow is a beautiful color and I'm sure he is smiling down at you from heaven/spirit world out there.

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  15. Hi Hillary,

    It is almost midnight and I have found myself reading back through my own blog posts which is how I came across your blog address again. I have read your story in the past and I have found myself reading it again tonight (and crying too). You are so strong. I am glad that your little Michael will have a beautiful stone to mark his resting place. I hope that it gives you a sense of comfort to see it too. Thank you again for your blogging-online friendship.
    Katie Schwabedissen

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