Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Arachnophobia

I am an arachnophobe.  It's true.  I always have been.  Growing up, my nightmares always seemed to involve either a ginormous spider or thousands of spiders marching towards me in army formation, both causing me to wake up from hyperventilation.  I seriously can't stand the eight legged creatures.  In fact, it is hard for me to even be writing about this subject.  I have goosebumps and the willies already. 

The problem with me being an arachnophobe now that I have two boys is that I can no longer show that fear publicly.  I don't want them being the pansy boys who grow up being afraid of spiders.  Boys and men are supposed to be fearless when it comes to creepy crawlies.  They are the ones in charge of killing, smashing and completely obliterating them so that they will no longer torment us ladies.  Am I right??  Well, I was put to the test yesterday and I'm afraid I may have failed miserably.

There we were in the living room, Little Guy innocently watching Barney and me trying to pick things up before the hubs got home from work, when I saw what looked like a fly on the tv screen.  I thought it was odd that we would have a fly in the house seeing how it is fa-reezing cold still outside and I haven't seen a fly since, oh, forever ago.  As I got closer I quickly realized that it was no fly.  Instead of wings, this thing had eight legs.  AND FANGS.  It was a spider the size of my head, well more about the size of a pea but I still let out a huge gasp, hands flying to the mouth, and jumped back about five feet.  

This scene obviously caught Little Guy's attention and he asked me what was wrong.  I looked over at him, still frozen in place and tried to smile.  "Nothing," I said, "You should come check out this cool spider on the tv, it's pretty awesome."  I tried to walk closer to the tv to show him, but I couldn't move.  He couldn't find it on his own so I eventually had to get up the courage to point at it for him.  

"Eww, yuck!  That's gross.  And scary! He will bite me!" he said.

"No it's really cool, see how many legs it has?"

"Oh.. yeah... COOL!  Can I hold him?!"

Uh, totally wasn't expecting that response.  I quickly told him no he couldn't hold him which made him throw a "why not" back at me.  This is where I was stuck.  I couldn't say "because they are gross and scary and will bite you" or it would completely ruin my plan in shaping him into the spider killer I want him to be.  So instead I told him it would be even cooler to smash him, to which his eyes lit up.  

The next thing I knew, I had a Kirkland brand wipee in my shaking hand and was stealthily inching my way closer to the man-eating bug.  I attacked and instead of smashing him, his weird web thingie caught on to the wipee and he started crawling up it like a mad man TOWARD MY HAND!  I let out a squeal and dropped the wipee onto the tv stand.  The spider started running away so I quickly picked up the wipee and gave him a good smash.  

I was shaking, crying and in hysterics by the time it was over.  

Little Guy was too.  

And he had a nightmare about spiders that night.

The End.

p.s. have I mentioned that the new house we are in has hundreds thousands of spiders that scamper away when you walk around out on our lawn?  it's true.  this summer should be interesting.

10 comments:

  1. Have I ever told you how much I like you? :) You are hilarious! Yes, our yards are pretty much delightful in the summertime...boo. Sorry for the spider experience! We haven't seen anything yet, although I do always worry about stepping on one when I get up with the baby at night - yeck!

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  2. i haaaate spiders. just the other night i was brushing my teeth and one scampered across my wall right in front of my face. being the only night owl in the family i'm left to do the killing myself when they show up at night. which they always do. so i tried to get him on the wall. thought i did. take the toilet paper away. ohhh nope still alive. he fell to the floor. and of course he was one of those speedy ones. i freaked out and then managed to calm myself enough to get him. yep i hate them. i may just have spider nightmares tonight.

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  3. This post made my night! I, too, am an arachnophobe, and I recently had a very similar experience. I found myself throwing a diaper at the spider because I didn't want to get it with my hand. Only my aim was so terrible that the diaper ended up in worse shape than the spider! Then I knocked it off, and it hung from its web teasing me - up and down, up and down. I then knocked it to the floor and frantically stepped on it as it tried to race under our fridge. Luckily my 2-year-old was napping, so only my 6-month-old saw the show!

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  4. Such a funny story!! :) I hope you didn't have a nightmare too!

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  5. Ew I am all goosebumpy and on the prowl for spiders in my room now! What an awful experience. I can see this being a common experience with my kids...

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  6. Call me, I can tell what will work on those spiders. We have a lot here at the plant where I work and we have some stuff that takes care of them.

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  7. LOL this post is soooo funny! You are hilarious, I love the par when you said you wantLittle Guy to become a spider killer. I am not afraid of the little spiders, but in Costa Rica, in the really country side I have seen ones as big as the palm of your hand, yes, disgusting.

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  8. Do you wanna hear about my spider nightmare that happened in real life? Summer of 2007, a very pregnant me was sitting on my back patio alone when a hugamungous spider came creeping my way. Normally, I would just run inside and shut the door, but for some reason I felt compelled to smash the eight-legged monster before it attempted to sneak into my house and reappear. So, I mustered up all the courage that you know it takes us arachnophobes to muster and I smacked it with my husband's flip flop. And guess what happened? Like out of a horror movie, hundreds of baby spiders came crawling out of the mama spider who's life I had just ended. GAH!!!!! I then got my garden hose out and started spraying the tiny offspring in an attempt to keep them out of my house. It was horrifying, just horrifying I tell you! Still gives me cold chills thinking about it!

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  9. From one arachnophobe to another: I can relate. After reading this, I feel like I have spiders crawling on me.

    You are so cute. This was super funny to read.

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