Monday, December 13, 2010

A Letter to My Baby - 1 Year



“I will not leave you comfortless. … Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” -John 14:18, 27


Dear Michael,

I had every intention of writing this on your birthday (Nov. 27th) but unfortunately wasn't able to due to the fact that the stomach flu was running rampant through our family.  Life has been quite the whirlwind ever since we brought your little brother home from the hospital.  So far he has lived through us having the stomach flu and colds, a yeast infected diaper rash, a circumcision done at 2 weeks old, and tummy issues.  Needless to say, between taking care of him and your big brother I have very little spare time anymore!

On the day your brother was born we walked into the hospital and so many memories of your birth came flooding back to me.  I had a mix of emotions as I walked through the hallways.  I felt sad, anxious and excited all at once.  The room you were delivered in was being remodeled, which ruled out the possibility of us being in there for your brother's birth as well.  I looked for the two nurses that helped during your labor and delivery, but didn't see either of them.  I had hoped to see them one more time and thank them for being so wonderful.

I was nervous and didn't know what to expect when your brother arrived.  The second they laid his little body on my stomach the emotions hit.  I couldn't hold the tears back as I thought of your perfect, sweet, motionless body laying on my stomach just one year ago.  Later, as I held him in my arms for the first time, I kissed his beautiful little nose and thanked my Father in Heaven for both of you.  I thought about how your story was once one of despair, but had now turned into a story of hope.  Life is good and joy does make a reappearance after hard times.  Much like a rainbow follows a storm.

Grandma made some adorable little miniature outfits for stillborns in honor of you.  We gave them, plus the twenty hats I had made, to the nurse for the hospital to use.  She was very touched but not nearly as touched as I know the parents who receive them will be.  It was so special to be able to hand those over in honor of you.

I still think of you each and every day.  As I look at your brothers and recognize their differences and similarities, I often wonder what you would have been like.  This time of year is especially hard as I remember how much my heart was aching last year as we celebrated the birth of one very special baby.  The first verse of the song "Silent Night" still chokes me up, as it describes the night you were born all too well.

Silent night! Holy night!
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon virgin mother and child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace!
Sleep in heavenly peace!


I am forever grateful for the knowledge I have that I will one day hold you in my arms again.  Because of you, I hold your brothers a little tighter and a little longer.  I no longer take good health for granted.  I get a familiar ache in my heart when I hear of others who go through a similar loss.  Because of you, I am a better mother, a better friend and a better person.  Thank you Michael.

I love you.

Love, 
Your Mom

10 comments:

  1. i am left speechless. you are amazing and deal with your loss with such grace. i too, am grateful for the gospel and for the reassurance it gives us. i hope you have a marvelous week and i hope you and your family get back to full health soon!

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  2. Absolutely beautiful, Hilary! Your three boys are so lucky to have you as their mom for eternity!

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  3. I always make sure to have the box of tissues next to me when I read your letters to Michael. I really admire you and your strength to care on the way you do.

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  4. oh Hil, what a beautiful letter, you always make me cry. I love the gospel and what I have been learning every week at chuch.I hope you all feel better

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  5. You are an example to all of us. We are so thankful for the knowledge that we have. We could not go on without it. I am so grateful for this time of year and the thought of the gift our Heavenly Father gave us. We are truly blessed to be a part of all this.

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  6. i'm so inspired by you.
    your writing.
    your heart.
    your faith.
    xoxo-
    heather

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing your loss and hope. It touches everyone who reads it.

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  8. What a beautiful letter and such perfect little feet in the picture.

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  9. This was so beautiful- definitely cried- definitely counting my blessings. Like you, hugging my boys closer knowing that life could throw me anything.

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  10. I've been meaning to post on this for a while. I first read it on my phone while I was in line Christmas shopping at Target... not a good idea! What a beautiful letter to your son. I can't imagine the different emotions you must be feeling with your new baby being born around the same time that you lost Michael. These boys are lucky to have such a loving and faithful mom. One who trusts in Heavenly Father's plan for her and the family.

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