Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Half Way.


I hesitate posting these pictures for several reasons:

:: I have an issue with taking self portraits.  The self-conscious side of me seems to get the best of me when taking them.

:: I've never been good at the "serious face".  Just ask my wedding photographer.  She asked me to do a serious face, and then begged me to never do it again.  I'll smile for the next ones.

:: I realize it will just open windows and doors for my brother and other family members to make fun of me.

Most importantly, I hesitate posting these pictures because I know there are many of you out there who the last thing you want to find on someone's blog is belly pictures from their pregnancy.  After I lost Michael, that was one of the hardest things for me.  Seeing other pregnant women still pregnant.  It wasn't that I was upset with these women, it was more just that it was a harsh reminder of what I didn't have.

So, please know that I post these with great sensitivity and only for my future reference.  It's amazing to me how different each pregnancy has been.  This one, I am much larger (something I didn't think was possible) and wider much earlier on.  I'm trying to cherish the stage I am at right now, knowing that by the time I am 39 weeks I will be kicking myself for thinking I looked ginormous at 20 weeks.  I'm only going to get bigger!

This time is a little bitter-sweet for me, as it was at 21 weeks when I lost Michael.  About this stage during my last pregnancy, I was crying in the shower, trying to be brave.  We had just been broken the news that our baby would probably not make it to full gestation.  I cherished every little kick and movement I felt, not knowing if it was going to be the last.  I knew my baby had a problem.  I knew he would not be with us much longer.

I just had no idea it would all end so soon.

It has really shed a new light on this pregnancy.  I love every.single.movement. and find myself silently thanking my Father in Heaven for each and every one.  I feel so very blessed with this new life inside of me.  I can't help but realize that when we make it through the difficult times, there are always good times ahead.  It has definitely been a journey.  The key (at least for me) is to just keep moving forward with hope.

19 comments:

  1. you look so beautiful, hilary!

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  2. Wow. I know God will protect your little baby. :) I will pray for smooth sailing. :)

    and what do you mean? your pictures are good.

    -makay

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  3. You look great. Serious face looks very natural.
    Enjoy these moments of pregnancy - savor them! I am so happy you have a healthy baby growing!

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  4. I followed a link from Marta's blog, hope you don't mind a new reader. I enjoy reading your posts and find it very endearing. I lost a little boy at 22 weeks, he was our first and it was an esp hard time. But like you said, thorugh our most difficult trials, we find emmense joy. I am about to deliver our 6th baby. There is no accomplishment as great as being a mother and having children. I am thankful for my little angel in heaven, he is an everyday reminder of what is really important. I am glad you took pictures, you look lovely. You will cherish them. Thank you for sharing your story. Much luck.

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  5. i am so happy for you! really really happy!

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  6. oh hilary.. it's just like you to be so thoughtful and sensitive and kind. we are all so grateful you have something to celebrate. relish all the wonders of motherhood. you are an incredible example and i'm so thankful you're sharing your story with us. your healthy pregnancy is giving us hope; please keep posting cute belly shots. you look glowing and beautiful. am so happy for you.

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  7. love this.

    when we were having a hard time getting pregnant i couldn't stand hearing that everyone else was pregnant. i was happy for them, but miserable for myself. those were some rough years.

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  8. Awww you look precious! I just started reading your blog. So sorry for your loss. So happy you have been blessed with a new lil guy!
    Rose

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  9. I think you look adorable, and I know what you mean about having increased sensitivity now for other people who have lost their babies. Thanks for posting pics!

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  10. Those pictures are adorable, Hilary. Hope there will be more belly pictures to come.

    I am so happy for you. And I am sure everyone who reads your blog knows that you thought about that post more than carefully.

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  11. Hil, you have such a beautiful outlook on your pregnancy. It's very sweet. You are so adorable and I just love the belly pics. Keep 'em coming!!

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  12. You are beautiful, inside and out.

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  13. I love that you had the courage to post these. You look beautiful. That was my first thought... beautiful! ! I haven't seen you for forever! I miss you and jer, and of course sweet Caleb. You will be so glad you did these pictures. Congrats!

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  14. My goodness you are a cute pregnant lady! Blogs are for celebrating the wonderful things in our lives so I'm so happy that you've posted these pics. I'm very happy and excited for you!

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  15. Oh. My. Heck. Look at you you cute, skinny, little pregnant lady! I'm jealous, truly. I always look like the Good Year blimp when I'm preggo.

    I have pictures to prove it.

    You're are and will continue to do great!

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  16. today i just landed upon your blog for the first time. i went back to read about your sweet michael and i cried for you and your loss. july 31 will mark the day that i lost my baby 3 months into my pregnancy and i'm not sure yet how i will feel about that day that is coming up soon....though seeing you glowing with a precious baby growing in your belly gives me hope...someday i will be a mama too! enjoy these beautiful times of nurturing your child within....
    so happy to have found you today...
    xo.
    k

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  17. I think you look so great for 20 weeks and don't hesitate to post pictures of yourself- it's your blog! Your journal!

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