Thursday, April 15, 2010

I cried today.

It's true.  It was the first time in a very long time.  I really can't remember the last time I cried about my little Michael.  I look at it as progression.  At first it was several times a day, then once a day, then every other day, twice a week, once a week... and so on.  But today, all of the emotions came flooding back and hit me head on in the shower.  I let the tears fall, camouflaged by the drops coming from my shower head.

It all started when I read this blog post this morning.  Hearing the story come from a husband's perspective made me think a lot about my husband during the loss of Michael.  He was such a blessing during that time.  He was understanding and supportive on the days when my only accomplishment was going through a whole box of tissues.  He most likely pushed his feelings of greif and sadness aside so that he could focus all of his energy on comforting me and entertaining Little Guy.

He returned to work just days after and no one, except for his boss, knew what had happened over the weekend.  No one knew he had sat at his wife's side as she delivered their still born son.  No one knew he held his son in his arms, for the first and the last time.  No one knew he carried his son's casket to the tiny grave site.  No one knew he had given his first dedicatory prayer ever that weekend.

No one knew he had buried his son.

Here I was, being showered with love and compassion from friends and family.  People who loved and supported me and knew all about what we had been through.  Meals were brought, flowers were sent, gifts were given and sweet cards were received.  Although many of these kind acts were for our entire family, I was usually on the receiving end of each of them while my husband was at work or school.

My heart goes out to my sweet husband as I think about the strength he had (and continues to have) through our experience of losing Michael.  I love him more and more each day for it.  I wouldn't have chosen any other person to go through this trial with and am so grateful to have had him by my side through it all.

14 comments:

  1. I cried today too. Reading this. I think sometimes we forget that it is just as hard for the dad.
    As always, thanks for sharing. It makes us better people too.

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  2. oh, Hil this post is very touching. reading this post brings tears to my eyes, the picture on this post made me cry. You are so bless by having a loving and supporting husband and Little Guy with you every day of this journey. Thank you for sharing your very, very personal feelings.

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  3. JC is amazing. You definitely married well. I'm so happy you had such an supportive husband during that hard time. Thanking of you always.

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  4. Hil, I am sending out some love to you, JC and Little Guy.

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  5. Hil, im so sad for you and your family. I could not imagine losing a child. You are very blessed to have a hubby that stands by you and supports you in your time of need. My hubby would not be so great.

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  6. this is making me tear up. what a good supportive wife you are to see things from his point of view, to realize what he went through too. you are such a strong family, i am happy you have each other. xo.

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  7. It seemed to me that in General Conference they kept talking about the Mother's role- and how woman are built with a different mindset. Well, I think the same for men- they are strong to support us and that is why marriage works. Your ability to recognize his strength and his strength to support you and help things move on- you said it perfectly.

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  8. Oh Hil,

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I must say, I bawled! I have a little girl who is now 3, and everyday I look at her and cannot fathom how I could get through if I ever lost her. You are such a strong person, and I cried reading about your husband, being so strong when everything must be telling you to fall apart. I'm in my final year of psychology and ever since having my little girl, I've known I wanted to help mums of miscarriage and stillbbirths, reading this just cemented it for me, but I've realised I should not only be helping the mum, the dad feels the pain just as acutely. Thank you thank you ! <3 All my love and all the best, Lily

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  9. Reading about your experience and the other blogs that you link to has really opened my eyes to how many people go through the experience of losing a child. I'm sorry to say, I don't think I'm very good at knowing what to do or say to somebody who has gone through such a difficult experience. I just really admire you both for your strength, and think about you often.
    Shay

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  10. Hilary I wish that I could put into words what I have to say to you but I am so bad at communicating through writing (typing rather). I'm pretty good at hugging and I think that would effectively explain it all. We are coming home for the 4th this year and I would love to just share a hug with you. You are such a strong beautiful woman. So glad you have a strong wonderful husband.

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  11. Hil, this is one of my favorite pictures. I know it might sound weird, but it is, just for the reasons that you stated.I always felt that this picture captured the heart and soul of JC. Looking at this picture I think of the pioneers having to bury their infants. It takes such a courageously strong man to be the strong one and keep it together. You know I think he is amazing! You have grown so much through this and I know that Sam and I have spiritually grown because you are so willing to share your feelings. Thanks so much! You are such an example to those around you! We LOVE you!

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  12. I found your blog from CJane. I lost a baby too in October of last year. What you had to say about your husband echoed my feelings too. Our ward did such a great job of taking care of me and reaching out to me- but I know my husband got left behind. (which was probably better for him, but still) Thank you for giving word to my feelings too.

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  13. Wow. That photo -- wow.

    Thank you for sharing your story. Bless you.

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  14. i am amazed at your courage in sharing such a tender part of your life. we also lost a little one and you are so right - dads grieve just as deeply, although differently than moms. thanks for such a thoughtful post. my prayers go out to you and your cute family.

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