Friday, January 15, 2010

Postnatal Appointment

Wednesday was an interesting day.  I had my six week postnatal appointment and went with no new baby in-tow.  My husband came and watched Little Guy for me, they hung out in the waiting room and played with the fishies.  The nurse took my vitals and asked if I wanted them to weigh me.  I decided sure, why not?  It will hopefully give me more motivation to continue working out and eating better.  Wrong.  It just depressed me.  It's hard telling myself that it's okay to have some extra weight, I just had a baby for crying out loud.  Hard only because I have no baby to show for it.

I sat in the room waiting for the doctor to come in for about 30 minutes.  In that 30 minutes I looked around the room.  It was weird being there.  Last time I was there we had just broken the news from our Primary Childrens visit to my doc that our little Michael had Ebstein's Anomaly and wasn't expected to make it to full gestation.  We had discussed plans on what we would do should he not make it (where we wanted to deliver and so on).  Our doctor let us listen to our little boy's heart beat with the doppler.  It was strong and healthy and gave us hope.

I spotted the doppler on the counter and had an empty feeling as I thought about how it would remain there for the rest of the appointment.  I thought about my new little nephew and how truly happy I was for his parents and siblings.  Happy that they weren't experiencing any pain, only joy and happiness for a new healthy baby boy.  I couldn't help but envy them just a little.

My sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time over two years ago when I had my Little Guy and she had her C.  They were just six months apart.  We were excited to have another set of cousins close in age this time around.  She was to have her little boy first and then two months later our Michael would make his debut.  It obviously didn't work out as planned.  Instead, our sweet little Michael came early.  I'm sure it was hard for her, watching us go through our experience, seeing how it was so close to home.

My thoughts then went on to how my life had changed since that moment in the hospital when we found out we had lost our little boy.  I like to think the experience has made me stronger, more compassionate, more loving, more aware of my surroundings, more able to recognize my blessings and more understanding of my Heavenly Father's love for each of us.  I can't help but want to live a better life.

The doctor eventually came in to the room.  By that time I was close to an emotional wreck, but was somehow able to keep composure.  He asked me how things were going and if I was healing emotionally.  I told him that I felt like I was.  He was very understanding and told me that it would take some time as this was a difficult thing to experience.  I am so grateful for him, he has been so great during this whole process.  He then did his thing and told me things look normal and healthy and sent me on my way.

I met my husband and Little Guy out in the waiting room.  Little Guy greeted me with a huge smile and big bear hug.  I held on tight to him, grateful he was in my life.  As I drove home with him buckled up in the back, I couldn't help but think about how refreshing those 30 minutes alone were.  It gave me some quiet time to reflect and recognize, once again, just how truly blessed I am.

*As for this weekend it will be a time of reflection, once again.  We just received our pictures of Michael from the photographer today and I can't help but think about those precious moments we had with our son.  I am so grateful that we have them to remind us of the sweet tender mercies.

4 comments:

  1. Just found your blog, and my heart is breaking for your family. Saying prayers for you and hoping God continues to heal your heart while you always remember Michael.

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  2. sweet michael made me a better mother. i savor every moment with my little guy because of him. i can't stand to put him down, for fear of missing a single moment with him. when cuddling him, my thoughts often turn to your little baby and my heart breaks. i can't help but cry thinking about the pain you are going through. we sure adore your little family. you are truly one of my best friends. i hope you know that i am always here for you and only a phone call away. i think about and pray for you every single day.

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  3. I am so glad that you were able to get those pictures of Michael. I am sure that they will bring you great comfort being able to see those sweet moments with him.

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  4. you have an amazing outlook during what must be an extraordinary hardship. i'm inspired by reading your words. thanks for sharing.

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