Friday, January 8, 2010

Plans

Friday's are always just a little hard for me.  They mark one more week that we have lived without our sweet little Michael.  Today makes a total of six weeks.  I feel like my heart is healing though.  There are more good days than bad and I haven't had a good hard cry in a while.  Not because I have been putting it off or avoiding it (I don't think), but just because I haven't felt the need to.  I'm sure the time will come again when I do, but for now I feel at peace.

The other day I was thinking about how I was supposed to be 27 weeks pregnant this week.  But then I thought about how I obviously wasn't supposed to be otherwise I would be.  We were supposed to lose Michael and there is a reason for why things turned out the way they did.  We just won't know that reason for a while.

I am usually not a huge planner (something I should probably work on this year) but when it came to getting pregnant for the second time I really thought it out and planned it just right.  The plan was to have my boys be 29 to 33 months apart.  This way Little Guy would be a little older and it would make it so they were only two school years apart.  We have Jr. High's here, so when Little Guy was in 9th grade, Michael would have been in 7th and they both would have been with each other for that one year.  Same with in high school as a senior and sophomore.  A silly reason for the age difference, I realize, but it was important to me.

Now my plans have been completely changed.  I have no idea where to go from here.  It's hard to know when to get pregnant again.  I can't help but realize that this was a huge lesson on how we shouldn't get so caught up in our plans or what we think is best.  God obviously knows more than we do and works on his own time schedule, one that is the best for us whether we realize it or not.

Hopefully we will figure things out soon so that we can start planning again.  However, this time I am determined to not get too set on our plans knowing how things can change in an instant.

I felt the aching in my heart all over again when I read about baby Gavin yesterday.  Burying your own child is something that I wish on no one.  His family is in my prayers during their time of grief.  I am so happy to see all of the love and support they have from friends and people who don't even know him (like me) who heard about this sweet boy via facebook or twitter.

3 comments:

  1. So glad you are having so many better days and are feeling so much peace. You are such a wonderful example of faith.

    I feel so sad about baby Gavin as well. The Nortons are such a sweet family. (I went to high school with Gavin's mom and his dad works with my dad at BYU-H.)

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  2. hil,

    i am glad that the days are getting better. i still think about cooper on thursdays, the day he was born and the day he died, i am not sure that will ever change.

    reading about baby gavin broke my heart all over again and all the emotion came flooding back.

    wishing you peace

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  3. Friday's were my days too... then my husband said that I couldn't have a bad day every Friday for the rest of my life... I still think about it though on Fridays sometimes. I'm glad that you are starting to feel a little better and healing.

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