Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My Heart Hurts.


I am not pregnant anymore. It's as simple and as complicated as that. I only had 21 precious weeks with my baby Michael. I had an instant bond with this little guy, from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him. He was a blessing and a gift in my eyes from the very beginning. It took us longer than we had planned to get pregnant this time around, and by the time I found out I was pregnant we were really ready for another baby.

This pregnancy was a lot different from my first, as I have mentioned in previous posts. From more sickness to my belly growing faster to not knowing exactly what week I was in, it was just different. However, the love I felt for that sweet little one inside me was no different. He would entertain me at night before I fell asleep with his kicks and tumbles and hiccups. Like many future mothers, I would often think about what he was going to be like. If he was going to look like his older brother, or come out completely different. If he was going to be an excellent sleeper, or take after his brother and fight sleep with all his might. That was until we found out about his heart condition. Then my thoughts turned to, "How much longer do I have with my sweet baby boy?" and every single kick was even more of a blessing.

I now have an empty womb and empty arms. My heart hurts. There isn't a second of the day that goes by when I don't think about my sweet baby boy. I miss him and long to hold him in my arms again. I have been able to be surprisingly strong through this whole ordeal, and knowing my usual pansy self, I know that I have been carried along the way by my Heavenly Father. Strong or not, I still have my moments when all I can do is sob into my pillow. The tears only hit hard when I am alone, usually right before I fall asleep.

I have my moments throughout the day when I do get teary eyed. When I think about what a good big brother Little Guy would have been to Michael. Or when I touch my belly and don't feel the firm round ball that was there just last week. Or when I think back on the precious time I was able to spend with my little Michael right after his birth.

This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in this life. With that, I have been amazed by the many blessings that have come from this experience. We have so many loved ones, family members and friends who are so supportive. We have a knowledge of and belief in the Plan of Salvation, and with that I know that I will see my Michael again and finally get to hold him in my arms once more. We were able to find out what was wrong with our baby boy before he left us, which has brought peace of mind. We were able to give our little boy a body so that he could return to his Father in Heaven and do what needed to be done there.

I am so grateful that I was able to provide that for my little boy. I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father who trusted and blessed me with this sweet little spirit. Michael will never be forgotten, and he will always be a part of our little family.

It is interesting how life goes on. Especially with a two-year old around. There are still dishes to be washed, laundry to be folded and belly's to be fed. I think this is how it's supposed to be. Despite major setbacks, we are still expected to move forward. Continuing to learn and to grow.

I want to thank so many of you for you sweet words and prayers. They mean so much during a time like this and I am so grateful to each of you. Part of me worries about posting such personal things on such a public blog. My only reason for doing it is the hope that my words will be able to help someone else out there who may be struggling with something similar, or may even in the future.

15 comments:

  1. Hil, I so admire your bravery in posting these personal things on your blog, and I also appreciate the opportunity to remind you that I'm thinking of you. I think writing about this here will be very healing, and as you said, you will help so many other people who may be struggling too and need someone they can relate to.

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  2. I am so grateful for your story. I am so thankful that our Plan of Salvation is one of love and precious promises for the blessed future to come. Your strength is unbelievable. I admire you and the mother you are to both of your little ones. They are so blessed to have you in their lives for Eternities to come.

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  3. You are so incredibly strong HIlary! I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you and your family. You are a wonderful mother, and I just hope I can be as great with Jaylee as you are with your little boys.
    Keep your head up, and let me know if there is ANYTHING that I can do!

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  4. Hilary, I just can't tell you enough how sorry I am that you are going through this. I am so grateful that we have the Gospel in our lives.

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  5. I think it is appropriate to share and for the reasons that you said. Although everyone has their own stories and own pains it can be comforting at times to hear about others in their time of hurt. Come unto me as little children- when I think about this saying it puts things in such a different persepctive for me. Watch your Little Guy and try to follow his ways during this time. It just may give you that extra boost as it seems to already be doing.

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  6. It can't be chance that brought me to your blog today...I just lost my first baby two weeks ago, and this post rings so true for me. I also feel the urge to go on with life, and find the positive, but there are moments where everything is too much, the pain is too big, the loss is too painful.
    I am so sorry for your loss, so sorry that you had to go through this. Please take comfort in the fact that God has His plans for us, which we may not understand...but which we must trust are meant for our own growth and good.
    Lots of love,
    Dawn

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  7. Hil your photo brings tears of pain to my eyes. I lost my nephew and still feel the pains of his loss and he wasn't even my own. I am with you in spirit giving you a hug from one mom to another. You are so brave and the fact that you share all of this is so inspiring and healing. God plan is great and I know he has the most amazing things instore for all of you. Blessing hun during this time.

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  8. Hilary, I can't say it enough about how sorry I am about your loss. I admire your strength through this tough time! You are such a wonderful mother to your Little Guy and I'm so glad that you were able to give Michael a body. He was here for a purpose and it was time to return to Heavenly Father. I'm so thankful for this Gospel because we know death isn't the end and what a blessing it is to know you will be with Michael again. You are amazing Hilary!!!!

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  9. I am fairly new to your blog, but want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts. I'm so very sorry for your hurting heart. I hope you will be blessed with peace and support from your loved ones. You are amazingly strong and candid, and I'm sure your honesty will help others.

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  10. Hil, it is really amazing how strong you are.
    You are still in my thoughts. Sending you all my love.

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  11. Thanks for sharing. It is uplifting for those who have gone through this, who will go through this, and even those who never will.
    Thanks for your example of strength. You continue to be in our prayers. Let me know if you need some chocolate. :) I'll send it up your way!

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  12. I too appreciate the honesty and depth of feeling on your blog. It undoubtedly helps others. How selfless in such a hard time for you. I am thinking about you and praying for you. I know that nothing that can be said takes the pain away, but I think what Kasie said is so beautifully put.

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  13. i hate that this is happening to you. i hate that i can't hug you. i hate that i was annoyed that brennan didn't take a nap today. i love that you shared all of it. that your beauty has increased. that your grief and sorrow is so meaningful. love you guys.

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  14. You are so unbelieveable strong Hil. I am so sorry for your lose yet so inspired by your outlook on it. You are a very strong person. I have been following your blog, through Michelle since before little guy was born. I admire you and I know that Heavenly Father will help you get through these tough times. You will be in my prayers.

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  15. I am very new to your blog,I just got here out of the blue. But I want you to know that you and your family will be in my prayers!

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