Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Letter to my Baby

Michael,

Two weeks and two days ago I was able to hold you in my arms for the first time. Tears filled my eyes as I looked at your perfect little body. I had been dreaming about what you would look like ever since I found out I was pregnant with you. You looked so peaceful and a lot like your big brother. You were so tiny, your hand only being about as big as dad's thumbnail, and I couldn't get over how adorable your nose was. I still remember the way you smelled. It will be instilled in me forever I think.

Michael, I hope you are able to look down every once and a while and see how much we love and miss you. We drove out to your grave today for a little visit. I hope you were able to see your big brother blow you a kiss. He sure would have loved to have you here to play with. He is so good with babies and loves to help out whenever he can. I know as he gets older and we are able to tell him your story that he will have a special bond with you that only brothers can have.

I find myself thinking about you constantly. I look through your box of memories every night before I go to bed. I think about how special you are, how much you mean to me and how much you have changed my life. You have made me a better mother, a better wife, a better friend and a better person. I cherish every moment I have with your older brother, even more than I did before. My heart has grown and my compassion is greater. My eyes have been opened to the fact that there are so many other people going through their own trials. I have a renewed commitment to help others as so many people have helped us.

I have often thought about your heart condition and wondered whether you were ever in any pain. I hope you weren't. The doctor's told me that your heart was so big that it was probably causing a lot of pressure from the inside of your little chest cavity. From the moment we found out something was wrong I was constantly praying that you wouldn't be in any pain. I hope during your short life here on this earth the only thing you were able to feel was our love for you.

The other night I thought about how God doesn't make mistakes. He created you. Your imperfect heart was perfect for the plan he had for you... and for me I suppose. He loves both of us you know. I'm sure it brought him just as much pain to watch us lose you. I know He will take good care of you until I am able to be with you again, and that brings me such great comfort.

You will always be a part of our family Michael and you will never be forgotten.

I love you,
Mommy

5 comments:

  1. Beautiful, Hil. Just beautiful. Thank you for that.

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  2. Thank you for sharing that letter Hilary! Truly beautiful! You are amazing!

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  3. I'm a complete stranger, but wanted you to know that your blog has touched me greatly. You and your beautiful family are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal with us. This letter is so beautiful, you have made me cry. God bless you and your family. You are very strong!

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  5. Hil, John and I went to dinner in Twin Falls tonight and ran into a girl that went to school with Jerry. She came across your blog and said how sorry she was for the lose of Michael. She also said how much she thoroughly enjoys reading your blog! She loves your comments and how nice your blog site looks. I told her you should be a columnist and she totally agreed. She reminded my that I hadn't read your blog for awhile so I got caught up when I got home.

    Thank you for being who you are and for the good example you are to me. I always try to be a better person and it is much easier to do when I have you for an example. Someday maybe I can develop the qualities in life you come so naturally by. Hang in there with the healing process and know we are all praying for you and here when you need us. Love you lots! Your mother in law.

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